Noel Derby

....Stranger on a summer Sunday morning, on the town bridge, to Noel; "Could you tell me where one man with a hangover could get an early drink?" Noel; "No, but I could tell you where two men with a hangover could"
...Stranger leans out of a car window and cryptically addresses Noel on the bridge; "The quickest way to Dublin Mister?" Noel, "Telephone!
....A delicate man to Noel (on bridge) "Could you tell me where Killaraght graveyard is?" Noel, Why what was wrong with the one you were in?"
....Stranger "Have you lived all your life in Boyle?" Noel, "No, not yet!"
....Tourist "Are there any fish in that river?" Noel, "Well if they are not in the river I don’t know where they are " (attributed).
....Noel in Sloans to Joe Simon "Can I have a tin of white emulsion paint?" Joe "Will I put it in a bag for you?" Noel, " No, just leave it in the tin"
....Same location. Noel "I want a pound of nails."Joe "how long do you want them? "Noel " Oh, I want to keep them."
....Noel was once painting in The Infirmary (I think it was called, where Brogan’s Opticians are now). He was painting the ceiling from a table and some spots of paint were dropping on to the table. The matron seeing this came in with a sheet of newspaper; "Excuse me Mr. Derby but I’ll put this under you on the table, it will help". Noel "It’s ok Matron I can reach it as I am."
....In a Boyle Bar after he had made a few trips to Roscommon Hospital, being ill, a wag suggested that they might give him a white coat he was there so regularly. Noel responded "So long as they don't make a habit out it …"
....A tourist engaging Noel on the bridge on the habits of fish especially salmon, Tourist "I wonder why salmon make such a tremendous effort and journey to return to their original breeding grounds?" Noel, "Well until salmon can talk we'll not know that" (Attr).